Now I know if I'm in your RSS feed.

Didn't Google Reader still exist the last time I posted something? No, that can't be. Feels like it, though. 

And wasn't I fully capable of writing semi-complex sentences, complete with subject/verb/object, last time around? Pretty sure.

Anyway! NaBloPoMo! I wasn't even thinking about doing it until Ginger (still in my reader! which is now Feedly!) wrote about it, so here I am. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED, I declare, to the six of you who've retained some memory of who I am. SO MUCH:

1. dissertation: finished!

2. new baby: gestated, birthed, hanging out off-screen!

3. allergies: still exist! 

4. unemployment: joyfully embraced!

5. marriage: a tumultuous flubelty-gub!

6. family: now featuring a fancy new neurodegenerative disorder!

7. home: woopeckers! broken stuff! taxes! 

8. homeschool: OMFingG you're not really doing that? OH YES I AM.

So, this NaBloPoMo reeeaaaalllllyyyy shouldn't be a problem for me, right? Because I mean LIFE, holy shit. 


to market, to market

I don't have time to think about non-dissertation things right now, which is why I am thinking about non-dissertation things right now.

I've been to a couple of conferences over the past few months, and at each I am invariably asked when/if/why/how I am going on the market. On the market. Apparently we're okay with this phrase--as a people, as a market(place)(thing). And while I am sure the question has already been asked and the answer already given, I still want to know: When did we start talking about jobs as markets and ourselves as objects to be sold there?

(Really, what happened was that I was driving to Indiana and passed one of those animal auction stockade places, and I was all, Oh. Ohhhhhh shhhhhit.)

Most of the time we know we are both object and objectified, and we have to be cool with this because: what else can we do? But then every once in awhile the fabric tears and you flip out a little bit about the ways in which the phrases to which you've tacitly agreed have come to construct you. 

Anywho! Check this out!


(ETA: I can't get the whole chart to embed properly, but you can see the full picture by entering job market [no quotes] into the google ngram viewer.)

What you're seeing there is what you probably already knew: we started calling employment the "job market" around about the same time that women were working for parity of employment.

Well, isn't that a surprise. Home again, home again, jiggety jig.



Stuff I Watch When Intolerance Gets Me Down

This morning I brain-fought (def.: had an angry conversation in my head) with an academic aquaintance who had some shit to say about Jewishness. The brain fight spilled out onto Facebook (not surprising), and while what I wanted to say was, "OMFG you don't REALLY think that every Jew in the world knows every other Jew, DO YOU?", what I ended up saying was a lot more collegial and respectful even though it didn't need to be.

Sometimes when I choose to fight these battles (on behalf of my kid, who's both not Jewish at all and Jewish enough to have been put on the train) I feel like the white girl who spent two weeks in Nigeria and comes back with braids. Something feels inauthentic about the way I inhabit my interfaith relationships, even though I only intervene in intolerant spaces now that I have a kid--I didn't bother pre-kid because I felt like my old man could handle that stuff as he pleased. But now, intolerance affects my child, who is my blood, and so I feel like I'm obligated to call that kind of crap out. And, in turn, to be called out when I'm out of line in whatever way I may happen to screw up. Learning. It's good for everybody.

Anyway. After all that yucky-feeling crap, I watched this, and it made me feel because RACE. People care and think a lot about it. Maybe not the people on my Facebook, but People in General.

And then a little later I watched this, which just feels good:


Possibly the Worst Idea I've Ever Had

No, I'm sure I have worse, especially if we divide Ideas into "Things I've Actually Done" and "Things I Think About in the Shower." This idea is a Shower Idea, and also a political/legislative idea, so it will not come to fruition. I've done much, much dumber stuff in real life. But anyway:

I'd trade outlawing abortion for outlawing guns.

Okay, now, explanation time: Have you read "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas"? No? Go look that up and read it. It won't take long. Also, if you teach, please teach it. You have a moral obligation to teach this story, you really do. It's a fable, more or less, and it asks you to consider what level of badness you're willing to accept in order for your own wellbeing to exist. So on one end of the spectrum, you've got the garbage man who has to pick up stinky maggot bags in 90 degree weather so the whole city doesn't stink. But he's got a job and is compensated and he chose that job, so, okay, that's a pretty morally sound situation even though it's gross. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you've got the 8-year-old girl in Bangladesh who makes your Old Navy sweater (NB: I am currently wearing an Old Navy sweatshirt) for no money, who will live in poverty forever and a day and has basically no chance of getting out of childhood without being sexually assaulted.

That's not so good.

And these are just the "conditions of labor" scenarios. The story itself is far bleaker. DIGRESSION. Sorry.

So anyway, I was thinking about my kid, and about the almost-fact that we'll be homeschooling my kid, and I was thinking about the thing a lot of allergy parents have to feel all the time, which is that the school lunch period is pretty much like a gunfight at the OK Corral if your school isn't safe for your kid's particular allergies. Especially if you have a milk or egg-allergic kid, the chance of that kid making it out of elementary school without having at least a mild reaction is pretty much non-existent. 

The chance of your kid, of all of our kids, making it out of elementary school without going through at least one lockdown (not a shooting, of course, but just: gun on campus, or knife on campus, or suspicious person on campus) is also almost non-existent.

This is a condition of life we are choosing to live with. And sometimes the shit is just so shitty that, quite frankly, we could all just do...this:

We could all, quite frankly, sit the fuck down. (If you don't like 90s Radiohead, you can just skip ahead to minute 3).

So anyway, I was thinking about all this, about allergies and guns and opting out, and then I thought:

I'd exchange my right to abortion if it meant guns would be outlawed.

I'm not saying that abortion is a form of violence equivalent to gun violence. It ends the development of a fetus. It doesn't kill a human. NOT THE SAME DAMN THING. (And inherently guns impinge on the rights of others and fetuses don't have rights and I have the right to determine what goes on in my body up until the moment another human comes out and so on and so forth. You know what I'm saying.)

BUT. The feelings I have about abortion--that to have one is my absolute human right--are most likely equivalent to the feelings of a 2nd Amendment fundamentalist--that to have a gun is an absolute human right.

We don't need to talk about the logic there (the right to shoot people, things, and cans is not equal to the right to determine what goes on in your uterus, it's just not). But if we just talk about the feelings, then, okay. I'll give you this thing that I feel is my fundamental right if you give me yours. 

I guess what it comes down to is this: living with a kid who has a life-threatening allergy is like working for the Secret Service. Your job is to protect someone's life, and you have to get it right 100% of the time. You can't let your guard down. You can create zones of safety, but when you're out in the world, it's like every 5th person might have a gun, and every 1000th person might use it.

Mostly this is fine and I don't even think about it. We just go about our business, and when a kid is eating pbj at the museum we just turn around and go to a different wing. But sometimes I need to just lie down for a minute. And all of the time, I know how this feels, this feeling of never being safe, not really, and I don't want you to have to go through it if you don't have to. 

Guns make you feel that way, and you don't have to.






endless repeat


Oh, well hey

Every once in a while I remember that I used to write things I didn't hate. Because I hate my dissertation, the waste that it is, of time, of my mind. I used to take solace in longform academic work as a form of ethical attention-paying, a gift endlessly passed back and forth between me and other people who do this kind of work, the work of paying attention and caring about things that add thought and faith and bits of beauty and wonder to the world. But you can only think that way about academic work for so long. I was passing that gift back and forth for a long time, almost 17 years, so I am lucky or stupid or both, I don't know. But anyway, the curtain eventually falls, and the inner workings are exposed, and you can decide that you're okay with the fact that professoriate and Enron and military juntas all operate on basically the same moral platform, or you can decide you're not okay with it, and I am not okay with it. I will finish my degree because too many people who are not me have invested too much in it, but then I am walking away. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm almost 35. I have no real skills that aren't academic/classroom/research, but isn't that all of us? Aren't we all hopelessly fucked in the marketplace anyway? So, okay. Me and everybody else. That's not so bad.

I can't continue on in academia. Oh, you thought that paragraph above was a rant? No, this is a rant: college has become a corporate tool designed to turn your kid into a wage slave. I'm not saying anything new here, but that I am willing to say it out loud is new for me. I've taught college classes, and following that, I worked in academic support services, for the past 12 years. Do you know why I switched to academic support? Because I wanted to be part of the solution. Because I have seen colleges admit kids who ARE NOT READY, kids who are in college because that's what you're supposed to do when you're 18, kids who DON'T want to BE THERE, and NO, NO, that's not okay, you CANNOT ask someone to spend upwards of $100K followed by 20 years or 30 years or 40 years of loan repayment for the privilege to do something they don't want to do, that they aren't ready to do.

I started working in academic support because I couldn't push one more kid through on a B that he got because he borrowed the final paper from a frat file. I started working in academic support because I couldn't bear trying to make people care about something they weren't ready to care about. I don't want to take your money (sorry, I mean, I don't want to fatten a university's coffers) by selling you something you don't want to buy. How is this acceptable? How can we go on pretending this is acceptable? 

I switched to academic support because I figured, well, at least these kids want help, even if it's just to pass the same classes I taught that they don't really care about. They care enough to spend extra time trying, and I care enough to try to help them get what they're spending $100K on. 

Listen to what I'm saying: it's okay to not want to go to college when you're 18. It's better to go when you're 22, or 25, or 35, or 50, or whenever you can say, out loud, to your friends, to your boss, I want more, I want to know more, I want to do something else.

We need to stop treating college as the place where you go for 4 years to have fun and make friends and try new drugs and not have to hide your sexy-times underwear. It needs to stop being the last stop before drugery. Maybe that means it becomes a stop in between drugeries, the place you go when you're 30 so you can get the credits you need to make it into middle management. But it can't go on as it is. 


Maybe again, again

Yesterday I returned to this blog and read a few posts and remembered that I liked what I've written here. Some of it, anyway. 

Here's what happened: a dear friend of mine experienced a terrible thing (a relationship thing, which coincided with a world event thing, and it was all just very tumbly tumultuous). Because of That Thing, we started writing back and forth, long slippery lengths of messages that just went on and on, about events in our pasts and presents and so forth, as you do, when you've known someone for a long time. 

Somehow, all that writing kickstarted the other part of my writing brain, the dissertation part. ARE WE STILL DOING THAT OH MY GOD YES WE ARE.  More on that later, maybe. It was surprising, how the tumbling words from the emails to the friend slid into the cabinet where the dissertation brain sat, and when it bumped the shelf, down fell the academic brain in musty heap, all scattershot, like when that cookbook you took from your grandma's house slips from the ledge in the kitchen, and suddenly there are letters and notecards and torn magazine pages and a Cool-Whip coupon that expired in March of 1982, all over your kitchen floor. Roughly that cohesive, but also roughly that interesting.

So the emails became diss writing, and now the diss writing has led me back here. The last post I wrote was a draft from January of this year, and strangely, the feelings all still fit, all of them. So, no personal growth in five-ish months? Guess not. 


Santa, Baby

When I was in college, I had a "nontraditional student"-friend who was married and had five kids. My college had this habit of labeling every single person who didn't go straight from high school to college as nontraditional, which tended to piss the hell out of the 19-year-olds who took a gap year. Note: The "nontraditional" label is a problem/money-making scheme; gap years are good. I could go on AT LENGTH but won't. This particular student/wife/parent did fit the nontrad bill, though.

I remember her telling me about the time she took her kids on a several-hours drive to Philly so that they could see a Santa with brown skin. It bugged her that she grew up thinking that Santa could only be white, and she didn't want her kids to have the same idea. So they get to the store with the brown-skinned Santa, and they're waiting in line, and her daughter FREAKS OUT. NO NO NO NO NO, that is not Santa! NO NO NO!

Sigh. Mission failed. They left. Santa remained, in her kids' imaginary, the white angel of presents and joy. Incidentally, knowing her was the way I learned that the variance in skin color among children in African American families can be a big pain in the ass, at best. One of her kids had slightly darker skin and so she was always asked, "Who's the father of that one?" 

BIG effing sigh. This, by the way, is why high schools should have some sort of American cultural studies course titled, perhaps, "Shit You Should Know About People Who Aren't You."  Only when you have kids do you realize people ask those stupid, ridiculous, offensive questions all the time, but I can't imagine what it would be like to have the paternity of my child questioned at the goddamned grocery store. It also makes you understand separatism a bit better, i.e., I don't have time to educate you on genetics when I am trying to pick up some damn carrots. Go read a book. I am not telling you which one. GO.

This friend is on my mind because of something that happened the other day with E. I taped the Rockefeller Christmas special so that he could see the last two minutes during which they light the tree. To get there we had to fast forward over a bunch of segments, one of which featured CeeLo in a red outfit sitting in a sleigh.

"That's Santa!" says E.

"That IS Santa! Yes!" say I. (Apraxia therapy "repetition of utterances" included for realism.)

"That's a weird-looking Santa!" 

Oh SHIT. Because he's brown? Oh shit. Holding my breath, I say, "What's weird about him, buddy?"

"He has glasses on!"

Thank you, Jesuses. So then we had a quick chat about skin color and how Santa comes in all different colors, because why not start early, right? 


My kid is starting to grasp that he comes from two different people, and that those people are different in ways that not all people are different. He's learning Hebrew, and so pretty much every day I hear, "Abba knows Hebrew. E knows Hebrew. Mama doesn't know Hebrew. SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE SAYING." He also gets that Christmas is mainly Mommy's holiday, and that Hannukah is definitely Abba's (because it is celebrated with prayers and singing in Hebrew). We celebrate all of these events together--we don't emphasize the difference--but it doesn't stop him from recognizing that there are two sources of religion/language/food/grandparents/holidays/etc. in his life. Growing up I saw my parents as this sort of Homogeneous Adult. Same person, different bodies. E's in the opposite situation, and I wonder how that kind of kid turns out.  Most of the time I don't really think about it, but holidays bring it to mind. And I know I probably shouldn't worry about it. Even if I controlled for variables, I can't control how he'll eventually feel about coming from his particular set of parents. You can take your kid to the culturally-appropriate Santa, but you can't make her sit on his lap.


So, ah, what's everyone doing about Santa anyway? I was SO SURE there would be NO believing in Santa, no, none, we would have none of it. But now I'm not so sure and had to stop myself from writing "Santa" on one of his "from" tags.